I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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