u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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