i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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