sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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