The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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