You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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