I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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