I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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