i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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