Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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