i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
