I wish I only lived at night.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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