anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
