i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
