I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
