Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
