dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
