my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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