I think my vagina is haunted
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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