what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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