I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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