if we break up, who will get the dealer?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
