I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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