What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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