worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
