So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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