I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
