i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
