I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
