you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
