Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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