What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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