I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
