Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
