I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
