I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize