i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
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