I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
