My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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