stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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