Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
