Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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