he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
