just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
