sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
