dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
