phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My vagina is very pro this idea
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
