I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
