If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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