she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
