Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
