It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
