I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
