I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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