I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Please don't give away my fajitas
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