She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
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