My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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