Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
