I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
