god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
