Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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