New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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