does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
