he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
