I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Randomize
