I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
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